I think of there being two prerequisites for my being attracted to someone.

First, there is the simple and essential feeling of liking the person. That’s the visceral part: to do with sexual chemistry, immediacy, personality, temperament, circumstance and the like. That’s the easy part.

The second is more difficult. It is about something more elevated. It’s hard to define what that is exactly but I think it’s mostly to do with shared values. I need to admire how a person goes forward in the world in accordance with values.

I know this second aspect when it’s there but it seldom is. And when it is the first part is usually missing. I have rarely if ever known both to be present. But they need to be for me to relate, connect, cultivate, commit, sacrifice, believe in etc. An association where that is not the case is a non-starter.

LATER

I elaborated on this here with the suggestion that compatibility in personal life needs harmony across three divides: the sexual, the social and the spiritual.