Equilibrium is needed for most things to work well. A healthy mental state would need balance between the left and right brain hemispheres, between the rational and emotional. I was probably better balanced during my years as a professional and when doing business as the disciplines involved helped to contain the deeper conflicts. Giving up that position upset the balance and set off inner turmoil which has dogged me ever since.

This kind of experience is often mythologised as facing demons. It is what Jung went through following his split from Freud. It is probably comparable to religious renunciation. Churchill was left to face his demons during the 1930s but still felt that fate had something in store. He lived in the forlorn hope that he would be called upon to do something necessary and indeed he was. His period of isolation and depressed state seemed only to strengthen his capacity for the job as Britain’s war leader.

It comes over embarrassing to be siting Jungs and Chruchills in relation to oneself. But to hell with that. These things are archetypal and are no respect of persons. Question is, how long do they last? Can they be curtailed or do they run their own course?

I can’t answer that but I do know I don’t feel fated the way I used to, like I had a destiny to perform some task. It feels stupid now to think that way as so much time has passed with virtually nothing to show. If my preferred destiny is true everything will be right, the years of struggle will make some kind of sense. If not, so terribly wrong. Just another example of a wasted life.