I have what could be called faulty feelings. That is, I don’t feel things right. I often feel things in some kind of removed way, mediated or distorted. There was a time when I wouldn’t have entertained such a concept, the idea that feelings could be judged either right or wrong. They were just there, predetermined in some fundamental, super-complicated way. And although I think that is still in large measure true, it is not the whole story. Feelings are also conditioned by experience and brain chemistry. That they are conditioned implies they can be changed, and if they can be changed there is an aspect of choice. Where there is choice there is judgement.

When your feelings are faulty they are diverted. They are diverted to something else which brings about another feeling, a different one from the pertinent one. It’s the fact that it’s different that’s important. The psychological mechanism at play might be one of protection where the expected emotion isn’t wanted and so an alternative one is summoned. This might introduce a measure of control, i.e. the ‘feeler’ is able not to be subject to the undesirable elements of the particular scenario to hand.

The reason ‘faulty’ might be the right description is because what is being felt by such a person is not appropriate to the stimulus. It would not be appropriate for example to feel comfort in a crisis or to get pleasure form pain but people do. When all around is in a panic I have sometimes felt at ease in a curiously centred way.

When there’s no crisis to deal with this phenomenon acts out in an insidious way. All kinds of subtle problems can ensue. Normal responses to ordinary events aren’t forthcoming. Drama and potency are preferred. In my case I’m seldom really able to feel completely in the moment at any time short of the big event being in play. And then it doesn’t last. It’s as if the emotions required for the moment are ordinarily on divert.

Of course sometimes people with a psychological profile that is atypical are what’s needed for a particular time and place. But without that situation they are likely not to function well and might simply wither on the vine.