I'm tired of being around the penniless, people who have no money, no power and no sphere of influence that has any bearing on me. Even those I know who have been able to amass wealth (horde money), their mental make-up is too steeped in historical deprivation for them to feel truly affluent. Risk, speculation and benevolence are outside their orbit in favour of a perpetual feathering of the nest. They behave as if in taking some radical step the accumulated wealth would be stripped away from them. Consequently they institute nothing. In my three to four adult decades I have only occasionally ever been involved with people who have influence, the ones who can actually make a difference in the world beyond holding down a job.

I think I have sufficient attributes, skills and ability to be able to work well within a success environment such that I too might make a difference. Wealth is a necessary part of that although a secondary part. The most important part is to do what I do successfully and well enough to be able to make a decent contribution. This would entail living a life to some degree fulfilled, to have workable associations with already successful people. Not being close to this any more is a major problem. How might it be achieved? Getting out of Scotland would be a start.

I’ve always had a fancy for Boston. I think this might be because of its academic reputation, its intellectual history, its being the cradle of early America, a place where European culture became merged with the New World. In my two visits to the US, Boston was the only place I went back to and it felt significant.

Sometimes I feel I should get up and go there, start to wander in search of meaning, in search of people who are making a difference. Perhaps I could believe in Boston in a similar way that I believed in Edinburgh, the difference being that in Edinburgh I needed to avoid its people, disliking them so much and preferring its rich past as an intellectual hotbed, whereas in Boston I would reach out for connection. Perhaps there I could wilfully integrate and be motivated positively instead of living with the contempt I feel toward my fellow Scots.

That is fantasy no doubt. But fantasies can be okay for a while. They often get a result of some kind compared to so called realism which tends to breed cynicism sooner or later. Realism when shoved down one’s throat like it is in Scotland is invariably about not believing, not trusting, having little faith and being devoid of dreams. Aspiration like this goes no further than conformity and holding to the beaten track. The average Scot is steeped in reality despite his pretence and his reluctance to address his feelings of inferiority. I imagine the average citizen from Massachusetts to be a more confident specimen and more open to possibility.

Wherever I go, fanciful thinking or not, getting out of here is an imperative.