It is typical to brand oneself (and others) in simple ways - I am this kind of person, he does that kind of thing, she reacts in this kind of way etc. But people are complex and behave in different ways at different times in different situations; some are more complex than others, some more predictable; some are forever contradictory, others may come to resolve their contradictions and become changed as a consequence.

That said, I am prone to branding myself this way and that. These days it is likely to be as a failed individual paralysed with low esteem. I tend to think this in an always-was-always-will-be kind of way. It is faulty thinking as I have historically been just as well blessed with confidence and high esteem. Yet low esteem has been an invariable feature coming and going. Sometimes it is fleeting, other times concentrated. If I could measure it numerically would I find myself well up that scale more often than not? Maybe.

Conversely, as a younger man I would be capable of bouts of extraordinary confidence when esteem would soar. This was something of a bi-polar effect. When high I would take risks, pushing forward in unusual ways and with some success. At such times self-possession would often manifest and connections would be made. Sex would usually not be far away and I could play like a predator. I could be openly flirtatious even when it was inappropriate and be scarily successful in that mode. Like that it felt as if any woman was mine for the having.

But the balloon-like confidence could have its hot air removed easily. It only took the smallest of pin pricks. Deflation could be total from some innocuous event like a mild rebuff. I would come crashing back to ground.

Throughout adult life I would rise and fall on a regular basis. Eventually the fall became terminal. These days I am mostly fallen apart from the occasional hour or two when I get a bit of bounce from a chance event. It is rare though. I tend to be in a perpetual downer.

Although there are residual vestiges of hope, that fate might confer upon me something better, it is increasingly unlikely I will know the soaring heights of high esteem again. Perhaps that is a young man's game. The tendency probably still exists in my character but it seldom manifests. It needs a particular environment in which to operate and that vista has no horizon.